The Separation (For Leigh)

 
You left without saying good bye
I roll my eyes, look to the sky
I want to curse you but
Instead I just cry
I want to know why and how
You could leave like that
Go so far away when you’re not coming back
And I want answers and facts
And some sort of explanation
So I sit patient, waiting
But my mind stays vacant
and lately,
Answers escape me,
And my head stays empty
Except for endless questions
And aches from tension
And I should mention
That I wish I could be cross with you?
We still had lots to do
And things to see
And maybe I should mention
That I’m kind of cross with me
Because I was too busy being busy
Too wrapped up in my busy-ness
And you were the same,
You had you own interests
So I’m a stressed out mess with no one to blame
Sitting in darkness, I can’t really explain.
And I wonder why we didn’t
Though we couldn’t, but I wished we’d
Spent more time
But we had much on our minds
Still our ship sailed just fine
Because we always checked up and
We always checked in
So I abandon this stressing
And search for some affection.
And I time track, mind map, think back
And find that
Place where I keep all our laughs and our chats
Because we always managed to find time for texts
Sending our regrets
Over internet,
I still love yous and don’t forgets,
And when we gonna get to meet up next?
We need to catch up and
cough up the loads on our chests
And you have always been supportive and encouraging 
Whether I’m laughing or suffering
Singing or muttering
You’re always inspiring, open and honest
And of the things we promised
We said we’d always stay in touch
And even though I can’t see you as much
You can trust that I’ll still talk to you and give time to you,
Try and keep my word true
And keep alive all your love and war stories
Remember how you never bored me
And the way you took the piss
I’ll remember you when you were at your happiest
And I could list the things I will miss the most
But I choose to treasure you
For opening my eyes to a world
I might never have seen
Taking me to places I just wouldn’t have been
And you made me look hard at myself
And the way my eyes see
Tattooed my mind with ideas and new philosophies
And I hope that you became a part of me
Because you Leigh Boy will be beautiful forever
And although we cant do coffee together
I’m sure somewhere in the world that lasts forever
You are still awake in, the essence of life that’s always vibrating
Alive in the smallest pulsation and the biggest wave and
I’ll remember this every time I cry,
Because you’re alive in my tears
So you never really died.
Jo Tedds       November 2006
 
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Post Nuptial

Riding legs astride,

Gripping each others thighs

Just wide enough

For his contours,

To fill hers

They fit

Like sheath and knife

Tight still comfortable

Secure but unsafe

Life rushes by them

Excited,

Flying towards horizons

Losing themselves in quiet,

While loving the scene they’re making

He hears the wind  

She listens for his breath

They rest…   

Ready without wait

She ties herself around his waist

Together they vibrate

For what feels like days

Making hot and sweaty,

Doing miles in seconds

Concerned,

Just for the journey

Not the destination

Waiting

For Nothing

Just being

In the space

They are.

[Honeymoon on a motorbike.]

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Sunlight

As light slowly laps the floorboards

How wonderful it would be

To soak up sunshine

 

Drench every cloth and rag

With the brightness

Squeeze it

 

Slowly, carefully

Into bottles, vases,

Even mugs

 

Save it for a rainy day

When one would most enjoy,

To bathe in it.

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Sc Ramble (Quick write)

As I sit here and soul search

I pick holes in the dirt

And the Earth squirms to fill them in  again

 

Futile emissions don’t lead to fulfilment

I feel empty then full again,

Empty then full again,

 

It’s exhausting.

All this breathing

 

I go round the bend,

Seeking a corner

Of cornucopia,

A cup of sugar from a neighbour

Finding more famine than in Ethiopia

I can’t cope with the shadows,

or that girl that just spoke to you

 

Jealousy envelops me

Darkness casts stones into a pool of my memories,

The ripples echo,

With a lessening propensity

I feel full and then empty and then back to full again,

A light bulb goes on,

And I break the filament

I feel different

Thrusting on this wave of change

I’d prefer another note

I spend it too quickly, but I still live in hope

Money isn’t everything and nothing is stationary

So I steal post-it’s from work as an aid to my memory

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Home is Where I’m Not

Home is where I’m not,

Racing pylon lines and hedgerows,

I watch, as an occasional barn,

House or tractor

Smudge passed

Like lipstick lost on glass

Speeding through

Lush flatlands

It dawns

There is little between here and there

Just miles of telephone lines,

Motorways and acres of time

‘When I get home’ I say

As soon as I arrive

My habits are back there,

Is that what makes it

What it is

When I am distanced from it?

Or is it the tug of the other,

Pulling me back,

To a home I’ve owned for longer,

Memories are trapped in a place,

That disappears as soon as I disembark

I loved this small square of map,

Boundary stomped by my little and growing feet,

Different now,

Built up and knocked down

Around our buried footsteps;

Faded ghost lines,

Lay waiting to be wakened

While I am here & there

Or wherever,

Short sharp pangs

Like the snap of elastic bands

Put the past in the daydreams of the present

If home is where the heart is

Mine is broken, fractured.

Splintered in the hands of

Old flames,

Written in dust,

My growing pains,

Lay stretched,

Pressed into warm beds,

A weather worn doorstep,

And calls for 5 more minutes,

My love is split,

Transatlantic,

Leaving love shaped relics

In cities I’ve visited,

Good friends keep

A ready made bed

Toothbrushes in tumblers

Are antennae to other worlds,

My sprayed scent lingers

Until I finally return

While my heart can straddle time,

Span continents

Touch the living and the rest

Home is always different

Wherever I am,

It is, where I am not.

 

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Attention

Attention

 She throws a darting eye to her quivering knee and back over her fidgeting fingers. Her lower lip, which is slightly smaller than her top lip, is jutting out further than usual and I can see it searching for the words she is planning to start with.

“Can I tell you something?” Yes you can, but no you may not! Is what I want to say but I’m a reserved English man, pretending to be a reasonably adjusted member of society, talking to his girlfriend. Instead, I just smile and try to cover my steely eyes with her prettiness.

I lean in with my stumpy coarse man-hands and stroke her leg. She starts speaking and interrupts my thoughts with her words.

“Shhh…” I soothe her. Smooth her hair in my hand and think about running the soft strands at the nape of her neck through my fingers.

I will listen and she will sob and we will be close but she will hate me a little bit in the morning when she remembers that I am still a git. I study the slanted oblong shadow that curves around the hollow of her neck, I think about the tiny mole just peeking out of her vest top shuddering with her sobbing breath.  This is her truth.

She is beautiful when she is disarmed. I could take her now, smother her face in my shadow and cover her breath with my lips. I don’t even care for the story she is telling, the secret she is spilling is not new, even though I’ve not heard it before. She wears every tear, scratch and tumble in the lines that prop up her proud and deserving smile. That’s why I liked her – she looked not like a winner, more like someone who had salvaged something from the defeat; made the most of the brokenness.

I brushed a cracked and dirty thumb over grooves that move and speak of where she has been and I loved her again, I always loved her most like this. I kiss her hard until the cries cease, until she goes limp in my arms, and I feel satisfied, knowing she is prepared to be conquered again.

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The Coolness

I’ve tried to write a few times

And the opening line is always

My last,

A future shaped forever

By a lyric from my past

Your shadow passes me

Walks next to me even,

Odd that,

That cold patch

Brittle but somehow better,

Dry with neglect

Eyes wet with regret

Struggling to find my next step

Still here, differently similar,

Shades of grey and miserable

I’m missing you

And the distractions are not enough

Contractions of angst and

A lonely circumstance

Pull me

Sideways

Glance

Gaping wound,

Once vast now small

Empty in its entire,

I feel tired

Because this has left me without

Sleep

I do eventually manage to

and when I do I dream of you

We are old friends

I’m so near.

Insomnia

Plagued,

Nothing has changed

We’ve separated again

And can’t fit

So close, round corners

Both idiosyncratic oxymorons

Just idiots and morons?

I feel stupid to think

You’ve gone and I’ve come

Full circle

More than close we were twisted

Direction different

Tension creates knots

Not enemies

But not friends

We are different and indifferent again

We were once close knits,

So stitches, that once sewed our split

And laughing sides

Are unpicked,

With each silent knit pick

We don’t talk

Still the air’s thick

I have changed, you not so much I guess

Not knowing how parallel

We have become

Different sizes of the same shaped pattern

I want to pay you back and make it up to you

But you don’t give credit

For how similar we can be shape shifter

I hit the nerve you grooved sister

Smokes and Screens

I’m still a fiend for the morphine that morphs me

Without pain from one world to the next

I am just a silhouette

Stoned I float into passive

The wrong rite of passage

Was I right all along

Or is it less about that

More about moving on

So out of line

I spoke out of turn

Now I try and turn spokes

Move everything forward

And there’s no hope

So I shrug your weight

from my shoulders,

Like I have shrugged your passive contempt,

And my own diffidence,

Moving on, I’m self sufficient

Even buoyant

Still, the days get dark

Attention starved,

I throw stones at your windows,

But you don’t live there any more

Look at me now!

Sending you words

I’ve not read

Im just guessing at

Its written all over me

And you know that

This is me all over

Clever cat.

Put me on track

And dance into the distance

You chose to leave without addressing me

You didn’t have to call, you could have just text me

Leaving quietly

Yet so indiscreet

because our paths meet

Back in the tangled web

The catch all net

That we invest in and I wish I didn’t because

Knowing that you are happy isn’t what makes me sad

Knowing you have moved on

Glad

Is what keeps me

Teary eyed and lost for words

Awake at night

I am disturbed

When you nudged me off the curb

I fell and split my lip

Bruised a couple of ribs and never really recovered

My dreams are haunted

I feel nauseus, try to stalk you

Make you talk to me

I extend a hand and an olive branch

and stop only at the count of three

We never caught our memories

In that net of impenetratble

You are now apart of other peoples photos

And we are apart

I have photos,

Took them and thought of what you taught me

but never saw me put into practice

I go backwards in my mind

Try to heal what I find but the truth is

You confused aloofness

With coolness

And for you, that seems to stem

From your leaves

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